Stop Blaming Boomers Because the Janitor We Immolated is Trying to Murder You in Your Dreams

Nowadays it’s very popular among younger generations to blame every little thing on Baby Boomers, from climate change to the skyrocketing cost of housing.

The latest attempt at generational character assassination is blaming Baby Boomers for the rash of supernatural murders occurring in and around Elm Street. And the young people say we’re at fault because we were the ones that immolated the creepy janitor that is now haunting their dreams.

Umm, excuse me? How exactly is this our doing? We couldn’t have possibly known the janitor would return as a scarred ghoul hellbent on murdering teens. And besides, they’re YOUR dreams!

Also, maybe you kids wouldn’t be so easily massacred if you stopped spending all your money on avocado toast and instead invested in dream catchers, or some sort of firearm capable of transcending the dream realm.

You think when the Blob attacked us we just sat around and complained about how tough we had it? No way! We pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and made the Air Force solve everything by dropping that alien goo creature in the Arctic.

In fact, our generation was attacked by many malevolent spirits over the years, and even some gigantic atomic ants. We also drank from the garden hose. And those of us that weren’t brutally maimed turned out just fine.

Unfortunately, it’s only getting worse. Just the other day my daughter stormed in the house ranting about the madman killing her classmates to get revenge on their parents. First of all, I told her she was being rude for interrupting Designing Women. Second, how does she know the ghost janitor’s motives? Maybe Mr. Knife Hands is mad because the libs don’t allow prayer in public school anymore? All of a sudden she’s a mind reader.

Then she tells me this “Freddy” character allegedly screamed, “Welcome to primetime, bitch” before smashing her friend’s head into a TV. So I told her, I don’t appreciate that kind of language. At which point she stormed off to her room. The nerve on this girl!

I know she was upset and terrified, but if these kids don’t learn to express themselves without using foul language, I don’t know how they can ever expect to get a real job or secure a bank loan. “I need a mortgage, bitch!” Yeah, right.

I suppose I can admit that maybe us parents did act rashly by forming a bloodthirsty mob and burning that man alive in that boiler room. In hindsight, we could have allowed the courts to decide his fate instead of taking justice into our own hands. But then again, we were all pretty peeved about what he had allegedly done. And we weren’t going to sit around to see if he was guilty. So, we took action.

Either way, you kids are old enough to start handling your own problems that we created for you. Just because us Boomers made this bed that now has a fountain of blood gushing from it. Your generation is going to have to lie in it.