The Girls Trip Itinerary for 43 Escaped Lab Monkeys
“Authorities in South Carolina on Thursday warned residents to lock their doors and windows after more than 40 monkeys escaped from a research facility. As of Friday morning, the fugitive monkeys still had not been captured … Authorities said the primates were ‘very young females weighing approximately 6-7 lbs.’” — CBS News
Wednesday, November 7, 2024
1:00 PM — Escape Alpha Genesis Labs.
1:15 PM — Celebratory scream and throw feces sesh.
2:00 PM — The girls have worked up an appetite after all the screaming and feces throwing. Head to bottomless brunch.
2:30 – 2:50 PM — Coconuts and Jenna argue over the menu. Coconuts wants to order warm pastries for the table, while Jenna wants the seeds and beetles platter. We compromise by getting warm pastries and letting Jenna put her order of banana pancakes on the group tab. We all agree on ordering the sangria. Live a little!
3:25 PM — The food arrives.
3:26 PM — BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA!
3:27 – 5:00 PM — Eat, drink, and chat. The pastries were the right call. Bobo says she wants to present rump to a male this weekend.
5:05 PM — The waiter says he can’t split the bill 43 ways. Ugh. Twinkles graciously offers to put it on her card.
5:05 PM – 5:30 PM — Pause so Twinkles can Venmo request everyone.
5:35 PM — Jenna claims she doesn’t have Venmo. Typical. Jenna agrees to groom Twinkles later as payment.
5:45 PM — Time to leave for our next activity! We have to decide between calling an Uber and running through the woods, shrieking. We decide to save some money and work off brunch.
5:46 PM – 6:15 PM — Run through the woods, shrieking.
6:15 PM — Arrive at our next activity. Surprise! It’s an Escape Room. We should be good at this.
6:30 PM – 7:11 PM — Escape Room.
7:12 PM — Get kicked out of Escape Room. Apparently, it’s cheating to ignore all the clues and try to bite the workers. Whatever. We’re already escape experts.
7:15 PM — Bobo reminds us that she wants to present rump this weekend. Yeah, we know, Bobo. We decide to head to the club, but first we need to get ready.
7:30 PM — Go to Sephora. Ask the make-up artist if she can squeeze in 43 escaped lab monkeys. She can. Slay!
7:45 PM — Make-over time! We tell the artist to go heavy on the blush and bronzer so that males can tell we’re ovulating.
7:45 PM – 8:45 PM — Make small talk with MUA while she does our make-up. It’s obvious she’s judging us for wanting to attract a desirable mate. Fear grimace! Twinkles pays again, but doesn’t leave a tip.
9:00 PM — Check in to the Airbnb. The owner passive-aggressively reminds us that there are no pets allowed, but we literally work at a lab.
9:00 PM – 10:00 PM — Pregame at the Airbnb. Moxie gets super plastered and tries to drink out of the toilet. Pull yourself together, chica!
10:00 PM — Arrive at the club. Order shots.
10:07 PM — TEQUILA TEQUILA TEQUILA TEQUILA!
10:10 PM – 11:00 PM — Hit the dance floor and show off our moves. Peanut is lip-smacking, Coconuts is tail-wagging, and Flopsy is pissing. Another group of ladies asks what we’re celebrating. We say we escaped from the lab nearby. They say we’re so brat.
11:00 PM — Time for another round. Somehow, the club doesn’t have fermented fruit. Guess we’re drinking more tequila!
11:15 PM — Bobo presents her rump to some guy named Derek. Love that slut.
11:15 PM – 12:00 AM — More dancing. Jenna says she invited 30-50 feral hogs to come join us. Twinkles and Coconuts are annoyed that she didn’t even consult the group first.
12:04 AM — The feral hogs arrive.
12:04 AM – 1:30 AM — We splurge on table service and mingle with the hogs. They don’t even notice that we’re ovulating.
1:30 AM — We all head outside for a smoke. The hogs say they have some Special K if we want to try it. Lame. We get ketamine at the lab all the time.
1:45 AM — We call an Uber and ditch the hogs.
2:00 AM — Realize we left Bobo at the club with Derek.
2:15 AM — Return to the club to find Bobo. She’s drunk and pouting in the bathroom because we forgot her. She says we’re bad friends.
2:30 AM – 2:45 AM — We all start fighting and crying. Bobo bites off Periwinkle’s ear. Drama!
3:00 AM — Escaping the lab for a girls’ trip was more stressful than we realized. We call an Uber.
3:15 AM – 3:37 AM — Uber to an IHOP. We have to pull over once for Moxie to puke.
3:37 AM – 3:45 AM — We’re all pretty drunk still, so we just have coffee. Jenna asks the waiter if they have a seed and beetle platter. Of course they don’t have a seed and beetle platter, Jenna. This is IHOP.
3:45 AM – 4:30 AM — We call for a restorative justice circle. Bobo apologizes to Periwinkle, and we all apologize to Bobo.
4:46 AM — Flopsy spots a cop car. Time to head back to the Airbnb.
5:00 AM — We arrive at the Airbnb. Before we pass out, we agree that our next girls trip should be to Cabo.