Why I Like the Taste of Billionaire Boots
Look, I’m a sensible guy. I’ve been at the same middle-class job at the same company scraping by for the past 13 years. I know the rich aren’t exactly looking out for guys like me. And yeah, maybe they do some questionable things. But dammit, if I admit they’re bad now, how the hell am I supposed to justify it once I’m a billionaire one day?
Everyone always wants to go after the rich and stop them from taking advantage of average Joes like me. But I don’t care if some new policy will help me today. I have to defend the rich, so that in a theoretical future where I become ultra-wealthy, I can benefit the same way they do now. Ever think about that, poor for brains?
Picture this, one day I come up with a billion-dollar business idea, like a company that sells something like um digital pencils, I don’t know I’m not good at coming up with ideas! But imagine I do come up with a good business idea, and it makes me mega-wealthy. Well, if I don’t let the 1% walk all over me now, instead of struggling to get by like I am now, I’m being downgraded to a mere top 2% lifestyle because I’m forced to pay workers a livable wage. I’m trying to be smart about my hypothetical future here!
Or what if I discover I have a distant rich relative I’ve never heard of, who decides to leave me their fortune? Now I’m paying pricey estate tax for the first and only time in my life in this oddly specific scenario. And for what? So the government can build social programs to help our shared communities and in turn everyone in our collective society, and leave me with a slightly less hefty sum of money that just fell in my lap? No way! So, while I wait for that great second uncle’s will to pop up, I will happily pay the same tax rate as a Fortune 500 company, despite being a living, breathing human.
Clearly, no one else in this country has the mental capacity to think about long-term planning, so let me spell it out for you. If we stop the rich from hoarding wealth and controlling all the power, I won’t get to hoard wealth and control all the power when I’m rich, idiots!
Let me help you get it through your thick yet cheap skulls, yeah, gas prices are so bad that I’ve had to retool my budget. And sure, ExxonMobil reported some of their biggest profits ever while claiming the supply chain was to blame for price increases. But if I were to use the “PG” word (price gouging), now I’ve got a bad first impression when I run into former potential new BFF and ExxonMobil CEO, Darren Woods, at the Kroger while he’s visiting his cousin’s niece a mere one town over from where I live!
Can you imagine? The chance to befriend a multi-millionaire, go on luxury vacations that cost my entire salary, and drink bottles of wine worth more than my house—squandered! All for what, because I wanted to be able to buy a modest house, and not have to worry about putting food on the table? No thank you; I’m willing to hold out for financial freedom until the day I’m whisked off into my totally plausible destiny.
Maybe some of you “progressives” just can’t comprehend it, but choosing to be willingly suppressed by billionaires is the only way I can break the shackles of wealth inequality.
It’s like they say, you’ve got to play the lottery to win—and that’s where I’ll conveniently stop the lottery metaphor.