Good news, everyone! We’ve heard your complaints about not having a formal Human Resources department at our company, and after much consideration—and refusal from anyone in the C-suite to take a pay cut—we ultimately decided that we don’t need one.
With that in mind, here’s where to direct your concerns from here on out.
Onboarding: Pam will begrudgingly rifle through an overstuffed filing cabinet for a stack of physical forms you’ll spend an hour completing before they inevitably get lost.
Professional Development: Resident Gen-Zer, Kayleigh, would be happy to teach you a TikTok dance or two, assuming you consent to be filmed for the company’s socials.
Evaluations and Promotions: Carl will be incredibly understanding, as he’s been in middle management purgatory for over 30 years with no end in sight.
Salary Adjustments: The unpaid intern will offer some priceless perspective.
Work Anniversaries: See your manager for a token of our appreciation—a homemade coupon for one (1) weak handshake.
Health Insurance: If you miss the enrollment window, Jessica in marketing will hook you up with some healing crystals that cost as much as your annual deductible.
Payroll Processing: We’ve found AI technology to handle this, which is an exciting first step towards our goal of having a fully robotic staff by 2030.
Internal Communication: Lisa will send a weekly all-team email with a recap of the latest gossip she’s heard. Xoxo
Rest Breaks: Doug will meet you in his office (the alley behind the building) to teach you how to smoke.
Performance Evaluation: Simon from the art department will wear his tightest black t-shirt to deliver brutally honest feedback in a terrible British accent.
Special Accommodations: Ron will show you his Purple Heart from Vietnam and laugh in your face.
Culture: The annual holiday pizza party will not be impacted. When the time comes, we will rock-paper-scissors to determine who will place the Papa John’s order.
Employee Handbook: Please refer to Pam’s beat-up copy of the original Chicken Soup for the Soul that she just found in the trunk of her car.
Regulatory Compliance: Just because the custodian got disbarred doesn’t mean he can’t give sound legal advice.
401(k) Plan: Carl will help you YouTube “Chuck Woolery gold.”
Incentives: Top performers will be rewarded quarterly with a head pat and forehead kiss from our CEO, Mark.
Medical Leave: Do you really need this? Pretty sure hospitals have wifi.
General Complaints: That’s what friends are for.
Recruiting: Ron would be happy to share some of Uncle Sam’s tactics that ultimately ruined his life.
Mental Health Resources: You have options for this one. There are so many trash cans, both physical and virtual, to choose from.
Conflict Resolution: Step into Doug’s office to settle it like men.
Us Just Now Referring to Everyone in the Office as Men: Whatever trashcan you didn’t use for mental health resources.
In-Office Safety Concerns: Rumor has it Pam has a concealed carry.
Bereavement Leave: Ron has another war medal to show you.
Sexual Harassment: Thankfully resident office frat bro, Mike from finance, is an expert on this.
Racism: Nice try. There are only White people in this office.
Parental Leave: You’re fired.