Texting Your Dad Simulator

You will need…

  • A six-sided die.
  • A piece of paper and a pencil.
  • A vague sense of obligation.
  • The emotional capacity to feel both guilty and resentful simultaneously.

Victory Conditions

Roll the die. Multiply the number you get by the number of days since you last texted your dad. This is your Emotional Distance (ED) score. To achieve victory in Texting Your Dad Simulator you must close that distance and reach 0. But keep an eye on the Guiltmeter—if it reaches 12, it’s game over.

Gameplay

You don’t feel like calling, but maybe a few texts can bridge the Emotional Distance that’s been building for, what, 20 years? You pick up your phone and open the messaging app. Your adventure is about to begin.

1. Opening move

Roll the die.

    • If the number is even, share an important life update.
    • If it’s odd, just ask, “Hi. How are you?”

2. Wait

Roll the die to determine Dad’s response time:

    • 5–6: Less than 5 minutes. Reduce ED by 8 points. But he’s never this quick to answer, so you worry. Add 2 points to your Guiltmeter.
    • 3–4: An hour or less. Reduce ED by 5 points. But if you don’t answer back right away, add 1 point to your Guiltmeter for every 10 minutes of silence.
    • 1–2: 24 hours or more. Reduce ED by 2 points. By the time you get his answer you’d already lost the energy to embark on this conversation. Add 5 points to the Guiltmeter.

3. Dad’s response

Roll the die to determine which response you get:

    • 1–2 = “OK”
      If you shared an important life update in step 1, add 5 to ED and 5 to the Guiltmeter for getting mad at this vague response.

If you went for the simple “Hi, how are you?” approach, reduce your ED by 10 points.

    • 3–4 = “👍”
      If he replied quickly in step 2, you assume he’s being encouraging, or maybe just too busy to write a full sentence. Your ED drops by 10 points. If he took more than an hour to answer, you get annoyed and passive-aggressively write back with another thumbs up emoji. Reduce ED by 5 points and add 5 points to the Guiltmeter.
    • 5–6 = “You won’t believe it, but I was just thinking about you.”
      Text back, “Mom, why are you using Dad’s phone again?” Add 5 to the Guiltmeter.

4. Random events

After every message exchange, roll the die to trigger a random event.

  • If it’s 1: Dad texts back a very old meme. Roll the die:
    • If it’s odd, pretend you’ve never seen it and “lol.” Reduce 4 ED points, add 5 to the Guiltmeter for lying.
    • If it’s even, text back another old meme. Reduce ED by 6 points.
  • If it’s 2: Dad sends you MAGA ragebait. Roll the die:
    • 1–3: Ignore it completely. Add 3 to Guiltmeter for choosing peace over honesty. ED stays the same.
    • 4–5: Send back a neutral “Interesting perspective” text. Reduce ED by 1, add 4 to Guiltmeter for being fake.
    • 6: Actually engage. Add 10 to Guiltmeter, add 15 to ED.
  • If it’s 3: Dad sends you the prawn emoji. Roll the die:
    • 1–3: He’s clearly hit it by accident. Pretend you didn’t see it. Add 2 to Guiltmeter. Add 5 to ED.
    • 4–6: He’s trying! Send one back. Reduce ED by 8 points for meeting him where he is.
  • If it’s 4: Dad forwards you a medical report with no context. Roll the die:
    • 1–3: You call him immediately and find out he recently had kidney surgery. Apparently he forgot to mention it. Reduce ED by 3, add 5 to the Guiltmeter.
    • 4–6: Everything’s fine, he just wants to remind you how expensive appendectomies are, and suggests you schedule one voluntarily. Reduce ED by 5 points.
  • If it’s 5: Dad informs you of the death of uncle Benny. Roll the die:
    • If it’s odd, ask him why he never told you he had a brother. Add 10 to ED.
    • If it’s even, send condolences for this man you’ve definitely heard of before. Add 5 to Guiltmeter for lying, reduce ED by 3 points.
  • If it’s 6: You get a “Call me when you get a chance” text at 11 PM. Instant +12 Guiltmeter. No further action required.

5. Gameplay loop

Repeat steps 2 to 4 until ED is depleted or Guiltmeter reaches 12.

Developer’s Note: Mom would love to hear from you too.

Posted in Satisfying