NFL-Inspired Power Rankings for Everyone at My Family’s Thanksgiving
1. Mom
Ranking last Thanksgiving: 1
Thanksgiving’s reigning MVP has kept her foot on the gas all season, first kicking things off with an absolute blowout win over my dad who tried to convince her he can deep fry the turkey, and most recently laying a successful guilt trip on my sister who wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her boyfriend’s family. Assuming Mom can stay healthy and avoid any wine-related trips to the IR, she should be in very good shape down the home stretch.
2. Aunt Andrea
Ranking last Thanksgiving: 3
Division rival Aunt Andrea has been nipping at Mom’s heels for weeks, but after trying to assemble a winning team by signing new husband Michael (more on him later), Andrea once again fell short of clinching Thanksgiving hosting duties.
Despite this, she’s been making an impressive late season push to host Christmas. Andrea’s physicality in the trenches, her apple turnovers, and her ability to turn innocuous conversations into pointed jabs at mom make her a formidable foe.
3. MAGA Uncle Rick
Ranking last Thanksgiving: 9
After four down and out years, hardcore MAGA uncle Rick has regained his mojo with Trump back in office. Even still, most were surprised by Rick’s overnight rise from unemployed cellar dweller to obnoxious, showboating powerhouse (Note: he is still unemployed). His wild Fourth of July performance in which he dropped seventeen “Well, he’s still your president”s on cousin Geoff has already put him in the conversation for Offensive Relative of the Year.
What Rick lacks in mental acuity, he more than makes up for with a strong defensive game. However, it remains to be seen if losing his SNAP benefits might prematurely end Rick’s Cinderella run.
4. Grandma Darlene
Ranking last Thanksgiving: 2
A season long heavyweight, the veteran “Mimi” has looked all but unbeatable until last Tuesday when she took a fall and suffered a minor ankle sprain. Though this should only keep her sidelined a couple of weeks, her win percentage will certainly take a hit as she won’t be able to whip up her all-star blueberry cobblers.
5. Cousin Fresh Out of Rehab
Ranking last Thanksgiving: 6
Cousin Sandy has yet to put together a successful holiday performance since the Easter season opener in which she posted a perfect 12 for 12 passing on every drink offered to her by my numbskull uncle.
Since then, Sandy’s performance has been a bit shaky—sometimes literally shaky—requiring multiple cigarette breaks just to grind out September’s Labor Day BBQ. It’ll be interesting to see if she can reach some level of success, or if last year’s “nose injury” rears its ugly head again.
6. Dad
Ranking last Thanksgiving: 5
Dad has been taking it on the chin for the past twenty-odd seasons, choosing primarily to dissociate with a beer in front of the TV for each and every family holiday. Despite treating the majority of his life as a bye week, dad got a huge win with Mom taking home field advantage.
Dad’s only goal this evening is to secure the good chair; a particularly difficult task with both an ailing Grandma Darlene, as well as a wildcard niece that may or may not be pregnant. Dad’ll have to ignore every request for help in the kitchen, unless he wants to spend the night standing and watching football on the little TV in the garage.
7. Hippie Cousin Turned Douchey Tech Bro
Ranking last Thanksgiving: 8
Aunt Andrea’s oldest son from her first marriage, the journeyman out of Florida State had spent most of his post-college years bouncing around from one woo-woo community to the next. But after a dismally long streak without a paycheck, cousin Geoff finally traded in his Birkenstocks and empathy for a Patagonia vest and a sweet-ass compensation package. His willingness to flex his company Amex card and his offseason acquisition of new girlfriend Quince has certainly impressed some family vets—particularly Dad, who has stopped asking everyone if Geoff is “LGBLT, or whatever.”
8. Nephew Riley
Ranking last Thanksgiving: 4
Riley came into this season with big expectations, especially after making the eighth grade honor roll and finally losing his headgear. He seems to be hitting his stride lately with recent wins, including asking Julia Connelly to Homecoming. However, he dropped a few spots due to his flagrant overuse and refusal to explain the meaning of the phrase “six-seven.”
9. Aunt Andrea’s Latest Husband
Ranking last Thanksgiving: N/A
Aunt Andrea’s fourth round pick out of Alabama also marks her fourth husband in as many seasons. Her new man, Michael (whom we refuse to call “uncle”), has struggled mightily with his wife under center, at times seeming completely lost on the field and unaware of our complicated family dynamic. The lack of preparedness culminated most recently during an embarrassing play in which Michael fumbled an attempt to ingratiate himself to the family with some less than stellar close-up magic tricks.
10. Great Uncle-in-Law Or Something Like That Jed
Ranking last Thanksgiving: 10
No one knows how he does it, but year after year, Jed keeps showing up and doing his thing. Namely, sitting on the couch and staring at the wall, mouth slightly ajar. His on-field persona may be as dry as sheetrock, but when it comes to attending family events uninvited, his record is impeccable, and this Thanksgiving should be no different. Questions as to how exactly he’s related to the family are likely to remain unanswered, but that shouldn’t be a concern as long as he follows custom by bringing Mom a nice bottle of Chablis, or two.