Newspapers, According to Their Titles

The New York Times

It’s 4:00 on Broadway. It’s also 4:00 on 81st Street. In Astoria, it was approaching 4:01 as of press time.

The Wall Street Journal

Dear Diary, does JPMorgan Chase like Raymond James? I think so but Goldman Sachs says they’re really more into emerging markets these days. Today Wells Fargo went up three points. She’s such a bitch.

The Boston Globe

The Prime Minister of Boston addressed the Bostonian Summit in Boston today and made it very clear that Boston would not tolerate any escalation in hostilities between Boston and Boston. Relations remain tense in the Middle of Boston, though some foresee a stabilization before the next General Assembly of the United Bostons.

The Miami Herald

Hear ye, hear ye! Yon Florida man doth act in a manner most peculiar, such as to attract much attention from other varied states in our union, to the general displeasure and embarrassment of all.

The Philadelphia Inquirer

What’s going on in Philadelphia today? Is that new play at the Wilma any good? Won’t all the construction on Arch Street ever stop? Why can’t the City Council agree on the budget? How great was that Flyers win last night?

The Baltimore Sun

Responding to concerns about curriculum reform, Baltimore City Public Schools released a statement this week that was perfectly legible by sunlight throughout the day. In sports, the Orioles won their last game in Los Angeles, minutes after the Maryland skies slipped into dusk.

The Charlotte Observer

You ever notice that people who’ve just moved to Charlotte call it “downtown,” but people who grew up in Charlotte call it “uptown”? Anybody? Anyway, I saw the craziest thing at Harris Teeter.

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Well, maybe *you* think you know all the news in Seattle. But if you’d actually done the research, you’d be informed of the facts. I guess that would require you having heard of two little things called, I don’t know… LOGIC and REASON?! *facepalm* The Dunning-Kruger effect is on full view today, everyone.

The Dallas Morning News

A fire broke out in the Kessler Park neighborhood of Dallas yesterday at approximately 11:14. Firefighters arrived on the scene by 11:21, whereupon they gallantly battled the blaze for at least thirty-eight or thirty-nine minutes, after which

The Sacramento Bee

Police blotter: A Sacramento minor was viciously stung outside her Rancho Cordova home early Monday morning. The perpetrator escaped but is believed to have died shortly after the stinging. For more on this story, see Obituaries, Section B.


*A correction in The New York Times:

An earlier printing of our cover story misrepresented the time as 4:00 in many places in New York. As several readers pointed out, the correct time in fact differed widely depending on when they read or received the paper. The Times regrets the error and is pleased to amend it in our evening edition.