Introducing Claritin-UB: The Only Allergy Medication for Used Bookstores

You love shopping at a quaint used bookstore—the cozy vibes, the friendly people, the stacks of gently-loved literary treasures—but those shelves are stocked with more than just books. They’re also filled with an entire library of airborne irritants that’ll wreak havoc on your respiratory system.

Introducing Claritin-UB, the only prescription-strength, over-the-counter allergy medication specifically formulated to work against common secondhand bookstore allergens, including:

  • Dust, specifically the unique dust cocktail created by collecting detritus from hundreds of people’s shelves and crawl spaces into one location where they commingle with other dusts, creating a new, even dustier dust.
  • Cat dander, because even a resident shop mascot named Jane Pawsten or Edgar Allen Purr is adorable, the fact is that over ten percent of people are allergic to cats. And contrary to popular belief among used bookstore owners, people with cat allergies enjoy reading, too.
  • Musty smells like that one that if you’re from an older New England city you don’t really notice until you go to school out west and then come home and realize that there’s this weird, pervasive scent of “old” you can’t quite put your finger on, but it’s kind of like somebody shoved wet mothballs into a dryer vent, if that makes sense.
  • And Silverfish, nature’s wiggly little bookmarks!

Claritin-UB lets you finally enjoy those unplanned visits to small, second-hand booksellers tucked away in underwhelming industrial arts districts or down the wonky basement stairs of a multi-use Georgian-style townhouse.

The haunted attic-tested formula will have you back to browsing through buttermilk-colored paperbacks in as few as 30 minutes with fast-acting, multi-symptom medication for:

  • Runny Nose — and wiping it on the sleeve of that cardigan you “thrifted” for $65.
  • Coughing — like your favorite tubercular period romance heroine.
  • Scratchy Throat — clearing it every few seconds like you’re passive-aggressively trying to squeeze past people in the narrow aisles.
  • Itchy, Watery Eyes — is that scrawled inscription the author’s signature or a note from the previous owner’s aunt?
  • Skin Rash — that would only be exacerbated by your thrifted cardigan.
  • Sinus Congestion — and interrupting anyone else’s reading by nose-breathing like a puppy-mill French bulldog.
  • Wheezing — except for the good kind of wheezing, like when you’re tickled by a dog-eared collection of Far Side comics.
  • And Sneezing — onto the pages of a large format photo book of Helmut Newton nudes that you were leafing through because you’re cultured and not because you’re lonely.

And it’s not just for bookstores! Claritin-UB’s Hoarders cleanup crew-level strength can tackle other dank and dingy environments, including:

  • Indoor flea markets.
  • Coastal town gift shops that burn a ton of incense to override the omnipresent stink of dead marine life.
  • Grandma’s rarely-used guest bedroom filled with collectible porcelain dolls.
  • Your coworker’s apartment where the company is holding its Secret Santa gift swap and nobody thought to disclose that they’re also fostering a pack of rescue pomeranians.
  • Cash-only bodegas that still stock boxes of breakfast cereal promoting a “free CD-ROM inside.”
  • Bible studies and 12-Step meetings in that awkward part of a church that doesn’t architecturally match the rest of the building.
  • Spooky old mansions you have to spend the night at in order to inherit your great-uncle’s fortune.

Side effects of Claritin-UB may include:

  • Increased quirkiness.
  • Buying an older print of a title you already own.
  • Acute scoliosis from lugging too many books home in your New Yorker tote.
  • Insatiable thirst for Earl Gray tea.
  • Sudden urges to adopt a longhaired cat named Walt Whiskerman.

Now you can shop for first editions without fear! Ask your antiquarian if Claritin-UB is right for you.