I’m Your Therapist and I’m Going to Cure Your Depression with a Lecture on the Brain

I know it took a lot of courage to come in here today. The social stigmas around mental health keep so many men from seeking help, and beyond that, the pressures of life make it tough to admit, even to ourselves, that we need to talk to someone. But in truth, we all need help sometimes, which is why I’m going to cure your depression with a highly specific and occasionally overwhelming lecture about the human brain.

You see, the brain is truly an incredible organ. I would go so far as to say it is the most important organ you have, which is why it’s inside a big skull—nature’s helmet, that’s what I like to call it. Everyone in the animal kingdom has one, unless you’re a jellyfish, or a sea squirt. Did you know that sea squirts develop with brains, but then as adults, absorb their brains and spines? A lot of my patients don’t know before coming into my office. Many respond just as you have, with eyes glazed over with astonishment and mouths agape, almost asking to be fed more knowledge.

Through the course of this therapy, I’m going to give you so many fun facts about brains like that that you’ll think you’re at the Shedd Aquarium with an overzealous friend. After a year of weekly meetings, and fun brain facts, your depression will, probably, be better.

Don’t believe me? I guess it’s time to pull out the big guns: a visual aid. Here is a diagram of the brain. The cerebrum, the cerebellum, the list goes on and on. If you imagine the brain is a young man’s mullet, then the cerebrum is the business, and the cerebellum is the party. And boy what a party it is! Then we’ve got the amygdala, which comes from the Greek “amygdale,” meaning almond, because we’re all a little nuts here in therapy—just a little joke. Knowing all of these Greek words will give you incredible power in fighting your depression because Greek is somehow more apt in describing things.

I know you may have expectations of finding cogent, functional strategies for dealing with your struggles in life, but I’m telling you, this Greek stuff works. Have you tried Moussaka? How about Ouzo? After I cure your depression and terminate this relationship, I’ll take you out to a nice Greek dinner. You’ll pay, of course.

Sometimes it helps if you start to blame your brain specifically, rather than yourself, when your depression starts to flare up. It’s not you who is feeling depression, but your brain that is releasing neurotransmitters: serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. Try to think of your brain as a totally different entity than yourself, sitting in your innocent frame, secreting all these weird juices that make you feel bummed out all the time.

This next visual aid is just a picture of Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and as you can see, it’s very unsettling. Remember, people may think that you’re a creepy little weirdo, but you’re actually just being controlled by a creepy little weirdo in a kind of unholy symbiotic relationship. Some say Krang was misunderstood, but I can’t say, I never met the fella.

Our time is about up, but let me leave you with some homework, a few foods to nourish your thoughts, little meaty digestible nuggs to chew on throughout the week. First, try to start your day by remembering that sea squirts have both male and female reproductive organs so they’re entirely self-fertilizing. Second, before you come back next week, at least once, I want you to go to a local gyro place and try to learn how to confidently say tzatziki. My receptionist can give you a few recommendations. Finally, if your depression gets especially bad, pause, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you are just a big buff exoskeleton for a squishy little alien warlord who hates the ninja turtles even more than you hate yourself.

I know you’ve had a rough go at it, but I’m feeling confident that we’ll get you back on track soon. Trust me, I’ve had so many patients who started out just like you: depressed, anxious, and unable to make sense of their human condition. But after just a couple of weeks of meandering lectures about the brain, they were doing so well that they told me they didn’t need, or even want, therapy anymore.