I’m Proud to Announce I’ve Been Selected to Pay for a Full-Ride Scholarship to the University of Business Online

After years of opening my fair share of suspicious attachments, sharing my social security number over the phone with offshore representatives, and sending money to the “FBI” so I wouldn’t get sent to “IRS jail,” I’ve learned the hard way to recognize when something seems too good to be true.

That’s why when I received a strange-looking letter today addressed to “Logan Corcoran or Current Resident” from a place called the University of Business Online, a “for-profit, online-only adult learning portal,” I was a tad suspicious. Even more so when I found it contained a full-ride academic scholarship.

As a middle-aged man already with a degree, a rewarding career, and a full family life, I thought it had to be a mistake. But the offer letter couldn’t have been more explicit: “We hereby award this scholarship to Logan Corcoran or Current Resident.” It was mine, alright.

Well, it didn’t take long reading through the UBO welcome brochure before it became painfully obvious what it actually was:

An incredible opportunity.

As the brochure clearly states, the University of Business Online isn’t just in the business of making a profit; it’s in the business of making dreams come true for a profit. It also clearly states that the terms “full-ride” and “scholarship” are to be understood in a more colloquial sense, as there is still a mandatory fee to enroll, attend, and graduate the program.

Sure, I wasn’t looking to quit my job, take out a second mortgage, and jeopardize the well-being of my family per se, but after watching the included DVD, “University of Business Online and Me: It’s the Real Deal,” it became apparent that this was a real deal, once-in-a-lifetime chance to attend the premier institution for virtual higher e-learning and tele-study in “matters of business and other such.”

So, after close to almost 15 minutes of careful deliberation (disregarding my family’s input, who, unlike me, have never fallen for a scam and thus have no idea what they’re talking about), I decided to completely “derail my life” (the wife’s words, not mine) and go full steam ahead into my brand new dreams of academia. My wife and kids just don’t understand that if I use my unique promo code WELCOMECURRENTRESIDENT10 to sign up by the end of the month, I get the first ten hours of classes for free. I’d be losing money if I didn’t take advantage of that.

If I’ve learned one thing in my life, it’s that amazing opportunities, unlike scams, don’t appear in your mailbox every day.

All that was left was paying the enrollment fee. And after I figured out where to purchase Dogecoin, I paid the enrollment fee. So, really, all that was left was choosing my field of study.

UBO offers many cutting-edge degrees custom-made to give me a leg up in today’s competitive marketplace. As such, I’m proud to announce I’ve chosen to pursue a double major in the exciting fields of TurboTax and cursive.

Now, I know what you must be thinking, but let me stop you right there—yes, it is a vigorous curriculum, and yes, I can handle it. See, UBO offers a subscription option to their upgraded scholarship tier that unlocks a fast track to getting my TurboTax degree in no less than 156 weeks. That’s schooling done my way. As for fulfilling my cursive credits, those will require summer school.

Many people have said cursive handwriting is dead and there’s no reason to learn it as an adult, especially at the cost of an all but certain divorce. But I don’t think that’s true. If it weren’t for the joy of educating the next generation of penmanship leaders, UBO wouldn’t be getting anything out of it except for my personal data and weekly course fee.

When I’m finally able to write “Ivan Smirnov Ogievich” and “Five Hundred Fifty-Nine and 99/100” in beautiful, expressive cursive letters on my weekly checks made directly to the University of Business Online’s financial controller, I know the feeling of pride will make the hard work, sacrifice, and only getting to see my kids one weekend a month all worth it.

And even though UBO isn’t part of the “Ivy League,” it is part of something called the “Platinum Preferred Double Points Club,” which is a credit card/school ID offering benefits like 2% cash back on all purchases at the myUBO.ru school spirit store and $20 off my first six boxes of Hello Fresh.

I can’t wait to take the first step in this journey I couldn’t have possibly imagined earlier this afternoon. And, not to sound naive, but I can already tell how beneficial a career in TurboTax will be in winning back my wife.