I’m Alexander the Great’s Brother and This Reunion Sucks

Woo, Macedon High! Go Hoplites! Can you believe it’s been twenty years? Crazy! Haha no Alex was a few years behind us. I’m Allen. See my nametag? Alex is probably off expanding the limits of the Western world or something, the madman. How’ve you been?

No, I’m not sure when he’s getting back into town.

This looks like a decent spread but this wine is hella weak, didn’t anybody spike it? God we have gotten so lame! Nah, empire-building is more Alex’s thing. I sell fish tanks. But I have two stores now so you could say I’m building an empire of my own haha.

Now please excuse me while I smash these goat meat sliders harder than Alex smashed the Persians at Issus… and without the use of heavy cavalry!

Hey do you remember the time we snuck that goat into homeroom? Yeah of course I remember the time Alex did that epic trident move to win the Gladiator Bowl. He did that every year. But that goat prank was pretty epic too right?

Sure, I think he’s pretty busy in Egypt but I’ll tell him you said hi.

Yo, let’s beef up this wine with something a little stronger. Block me so Principal Papadopolous can’t see. I think one of those cataracts may only be partial. Why wouldn’t it work? I may not have Alex’s brilliant tactical mind but we’re talking about spiking a wine bowl here, not subjugating Asia Minor. C’mon, form a phalanx!

My little brother is a smart guy, I’ll give him that, but it’s pretty easy to get straight As when your private tutor is freaking Aristotle. My tutor was some mutant named Darren. Oh, sorry Darren. Didn’t see you there.

Bottoms up, Hoplites! Twenty years!

You know, Alex may have revolutionized warfare and geopolitics, joining millions under his banner to profoundly shape the course of history, but have you ever tried balancing the pH of a fish tank that contains both neon tetras and African cichlids? Now that requires strategy. Of course you’d never co-tank those two species for obvious reasons.

Hey, where are you going?

Oh I agree, work-life balance is so important. Unlike a certain golden-haired workaholic I have loads of hobbies, like coin-collecting. Not to brag but I have over 300 coins in my personal collection, though Alex’s face is printed on most of them.

Speaking of priceless treasures, do you see that plaque on the wall? Right behind that bronze statue of my brother? No, the other statue where he’s choking out a lion. The plaque that says “All-State Discus Championships”? Guess who you’ll find mentioned there. Well yeah of course Alex, he captained the team to first place the same weekend he seized Babylon. But I’m on there too, under “Special Thanks to All Our Fans.” Not by name, but it’s implied.

So ladies, guess who’s still single as a surf clam. No, I meant me. Alex has wives, boyfriends, concubines, you name it. It’s like, leave some fish in the sea for the rest of us, blondie!

No, I don’t know if he’s looking for another wife at this time.

Honestly, the enduring thirst for my brother is insane. I know Alex is cut like a conqueror and effortlessly bisexual, but I’ve been getting my steps in and I kissed a guy once. Sure it was on a dare and on the arm, but do I get no credit? Do I get ZERO bisexual credit?

You know, it hasn’t always been easy being in my brother’s perfectly symmetrical shadow. On the one hand you’ve got Alexander the Great: Emperor, world-historical figure, worshiped as a living god, and on the other hand you’ve got me, Allen the Adequate: local track and field fan, numismatist, and purveyor of sullen guppies.

Everybody wants to talk about how great Alex is but when I mention my recent op-ed in Aquarium Aficionado nobody gives a crap. And when I bring up golden boy’s massacre at Thebes everyone calls it sour grapes.

The world doesn’t revolve around my brother, even if he technically conquered half of it. If you think he’s so flawless you should smell his post-goat farts.

No, I actually can’t arrange that.

Hey, this vino is finally hitting! I’ve got an idea, Hoplites! Let’s spray-paint “ALEXANDER THE GROSS” on the side of the gym. Wouldn’t that be a freaking epic, legendary, world-historical prank?

Hey, where are you going?