Hello, My Name Is Count Dracula and I’ll Be Your Server
Hello and velcome to Chili’s. I’m so sorry for the vait, ve’ve been slammed tonight. My eternal thanks for your patience. My name is Count Dracula, and I’ll be your server this evening.
Could I start the group off vith something to drink besides vater? If you’re anything like me, you slept through brunch again. No vorries, it’s never too late in the day to vhet your vhistle vith our signature Bloody Mary. But vhatever you do, steer clear of the Tropical Sunrise Margarita—it’s a killer.
Ah, three vite vines. Excellent. May I ask vhat ve are celebrating? Friendship? Oh, how vonderful, a group of friends and all vith such great style. I’m just drooling over that scoop neckline. I like this table—vill you take me home vith you? Ha. Ha. Ha. But seriously, if there’s an after-party you must invite me inside.
My accent? Oh, it’s that noticeable? You caught me, I’m not originally from Visconsin. I’m a Transylvania transplant. The cost of living vas getting too expensive in Romania. Sure, I inherited a castle, but oof, the property taxes. I had to flee, and Madison seemed like a good place to land. These college kids keep me young. And the food scene, vell, let’s just say it’s been nonstop feeding since I arrived.
Speaking of, vould you like some appetizers for the table? Our most popular option is the Triple Dipper platter. You can mix and match three apps, including Southvestern Egg Rolls, Crispy Chicken Bites, and, it’s off menu, but I could have the kitchen vhip up some blood pudding, too.
Sure, you can put your entrees in if you’re ready. I like a table that knows vhat it vants. Steaks all around? Oh, I love this energy. You’re my kind of people. How do ve vant these cooked? Rare it is. I’ll tell the kitchen you vant them “Dracula” style—served vith the heart still beating.
No, no, no. You don’t vant the garlic butter. Please, even just bringing it to your table vould cause me great pain. I couldn’t stand the thought of you ruining dinner vith that pungent peasant’s vegetable. You vill thank me vhen the blood dribbles down your chin untainted by that vretched, vannabe onion. In Transylvania, ve have a saying: putting garlic butter on a steak is like painting bat vings on the Mona Lisa.
Okay, ve’re all set. I’ll be right back vith those vite vines—l’ll just need to see your IDs. Everyone looks so young to me these days. Mina, my vhat a beautiful name. Donna? Tsk, tsk, tsk. You better vatch out, your license is almost expired. And… my god. Van Helsing?
You rat bastard. You’re lucky I’m at vork right now or else I’d drain the life from you vhere you stand. Put down that spoon right now. You know I’m allergic to silver. Vhat’s that in your hand? Holy vater? You fool—ve don’t allow outside food or beverages.
Vhat am I going to do about it? I’m going to call my manager, Villiam. Here he is now. Villiam, yes, ve need to get these customers out of the restaurant this instant. They brought their own blessed beverage. Make an exception? No! So vhat if he gives us a bad Yelp review? Villiam, this goes against everything the Chili’s Employee Manual says about becoming a Sizzle Star.
Fine, if my manager von’t defend the sanctity of our casual Tex-Mex-inspired American eatery, then I vill. Van Helsing, this ends tonight. I challenge you to a duel. But first, the kitchen already got your order, so I vill need you to close out your check. Gratuity is added, but there is a line for additional tips. I thank you in advance for your generosity.
Also, please let us know how ve did by completing a quick survey. Really, if you actually filled that out, you vould be doing me a great service. Villiam is up my ass about these surveys. Ve have a quota and he’s threatening to cut my hours if I don’t get at least four completed surveys a veek. Okay, don’t forget your receipt. It vas a pleasure serving you. Thanks for choosing Chili’s.
Now, prepare to die.