Former Hot Shot Dish Towel Demoted to the Rank of Rag

This meeting is to inform you that, effective immediately, you are hereby released from your current duties as Dish Towel #1. We at Kitchen feel that you are no longer meeting the high performance standards expected of our dish towels. It would be a disservice to you, our patrons, and the entire Kitchen staff to keep you in this role when you are so clearly failing to keep up with the fast-paced operational environment. We appreciate your years of selfless service and we value everything you’ve brought to the table, but unfortunately, you are not a go-to for big jobs and you’ve become less dependable over time.

As a thank you for everything you’ve done for Kitchen, we’d like to offer you the position of Rag. I know you’ve filled in here and there in the rag department, but this move would permanently re-assign you to this new role, which we think more closely aligns with your current capabilities.

Your first year at Kitchen was truly inspiring. You were the hot new dish towel and there was nothing you couldn’t dry. Your thread count rivaled pillow cases and your absorbency helped you dry a full load of dishes when the dishwasher clonked out. Early in your career, you continued to perform flawlessly, and over time, we asked more and more of you.

Unfortunately due to the nature of this business, the reward for your great work was more work. We didn’t mean to overextend you, but you were always so eager to help. We know it wasn’t technically in your job description, but you were the Swiss Army Knife of moisture wicking cloths. The most voluminous dinner table drink spills were no match for you in your prime. During those days, the family had two toddlers whose hand-eye coordination hovered somewhere around the 25th percentile. Nightly dinner spills were guaranteed, but then again, so was your ability to dry them. Water, milk, juice, ranch, there was nothing you couldn’t sop up. With Dish Towel #1 on the job, there was never a reason to cry over spilled milk.

A lot of cloths would have folded under this pressure, but you kept rising to the occasion. There was no task you couldn’t handle. You rose quickly in the kitchen and even helped out with work outside of your primary job description. When Oven Mitt sustained a career-ending thumb hole, you stepped up and protected our hands like no one else could. Your looks began to fade over time, but you were never vain. You weren’t one of those stuck up, holiday-themed hand towelettes that remained damp for 5-10 business days after one hand drying.

However, recent events have made it clear that you’re no longer suited for this type of work.

Last week you volunteered to fill in for Sponge, a testament to your teamwork, but perhaps also to a lack of self-awareness regarding your current abilities and fitness level. While you completed the expected duties satisfactorily enough, mainly because years of physical labor have made your threads calloused enough to pass for the rough side of Sponge, you became so saturated and wet that it took multiple attempts to ring you out, which I took no pleasure in doing.

When I left you hanging over the sink divider, you slipped off the side and remained at the bottom of the sink overnight. When I finally found you, scrunched in the drain, covered with a dusting of crumbs, and reeking of leftover lasagna sludge, you were in critical condition. I closed down Kitchen for the day so I could wash and dried you using the Delicates cycle. If you had been torn or, god-forbid, destroyed in the garbage disposal, I never would have forgiven myself. We like you, but we can’t let our friendship influence our decision making. There are some really incredible options out there and we feel that it’s time for you to step aside so we can see what some of these infomercial cloths can do. I mean have you seen the ShamWow?

As previously mentioned, at this time, we’d like to extend an offer to you for the position of Rag.

As a Rag, you would continue to be an integral part of the organization, however, you will spend most of your time in a plastic grocery bag hanging off the basement door knob, waiting to be utilized. The jobs will likely be less frequent too! Give you some time to rest. Your job would still be vital to the success of the mission, but in a more humble fashion.

This reassignment is not mandatory. If you do not wish to accept then you will be escorted off the premises to the garbage can under the sink, or to the thrift store donation box that will likely remain in the closet for two months until mistaken for trash and thrown into the garbage can under the sink. You have 48 hours to consider this offer, and if this is the end of our professional relationship, we wish you nothing but success in your future endeavors.