Mon 23 Oct 10:14 AM
Hi Emily. You’re using an arranged overdraft but have not been charged as you’re within the interest-free amount. We’ve got you, boo.
You’re now using an arranged overdraft above the interest-free amount. While you haven’t spent a dime since our last message, the interest-free amount has decreased (sorry!). You have until the cockerel cries thrice into the easterly wind to settle the balance. J.K., you have ’til noon. But, like, no sweat, no rush (noon).
You were still using an arranged overdraft above the interest-free amount at noon. Fees you have now incurred. That was our Baby Yoda bit; just our lil’ way of softening the blow, Emily. We’re a light-hearted bunch!
Tues 24 Oct, 8:10 AM
You’ve been paid—phew! Things were looking bleak for a minute there.
Your monthly bills have been deducted. Did you know you have a lot of subscription services? Like 74 of them? That’s a lot, Emily.
Uh oh, you’re back into the ol’ overdraft - just two minutes after being paid. Thoughts and, of course, prayers, Emily. Maybe you could sell some stuff online to generate cash? Do you have any Beanie Babies, perchance? Jolly the Walrus has some value. Go look and see if you have a Jolly the Walrus hidden away somewhere, Emily.
To help you manage your money, we’ve made it easy to opt out of your most costly subscriptions. Please review and click to cancel.
- True Crime Patreons (x14!!!)
- Period Tracker Deluxe
- Crypto Clues For Gurlz
- Can My Dog Eat That? Premium
Hmm. To confirm, you have canceled zero subscriptions and signed up for two more?
- Gem Stone Identification and Chat
- Gem Stone Identification and Chat VIP Lounge
Wed 25 Oct, 10:28 AM
We thought this might be a good time to share an inspirational quote from Warren Buffet: “Do not save what is left after spending, but spend what is left after saving.”
What part of that quote did you take to mean - go and spend $129.99 at Diptique?
$56 at Sephora? That wasn’t on one item, was it? That must have been for everything you need until the end of this fiscal year. Surely?
Really hope that wasn’t just one item. Like, really hope that wasn’t a $56 mascara, Emily.
Fri 27 Oct 9:15 PM
We’ve noticed unusual activity on your account, namely transactions at a bar on a Friday night? Sounds suss. Please confirm this was you.
Thanks for confirming that you’re on a date (WTF EMIBOBS?). But this sounds even more suss TBH. Who exactly is this guy?
Is he asking lots of questions, Emily? Is he all, “What’s your Mom’s maiden name?” and “Can you spell that?” Don’t reveal your first gig, place of birth, or pet’s name.
Don’t tell him about your Real Housewives meme account either but, for different reasons.
How’s the date going? Is he claiming to be the son of a wealthy diamond magnate? That’s what happened in The Tinder Swindler, Emily. Have you seen The Tinder Swindler? It’s very good.
Fri 27 Oct 11:18 PM
Sorry, but a hot date out of the blue after a very quiet Q1 through 3? We can’t stand by and watch you fall foul to a romance scam. We’ve gone ahead and frozen your current account. To regain access, please have your date call us.
Yes now, Emily.
OK—he’s great! A vet specializing in Golden Doodles with a great credit score? What a catch!
Sadly, he did ask that we let you know it’s over. He lied when he said he was going to the restroom, he’s actually vacated the premises, Emily. We may have spilled the tea about your spending habits, and he wants someone who is financially independent. Shame that is, for not you are.
Sat 28 Oct, 10:26 AM
Emily, girl. We know that breakups are hard, especially when you’re broke. That’s why we’ve created Loanly, an interest-free loan for those alone.
Your loan request was successful. You passed the criteria of being;
- Lonely and/or alone
- In debt
Sun 29 Oct, 8:12 AM
Don’t ask how we know this, but you’ve listened to “All Too Well (Taylor’s Version)” 17 times today. You K?
$208 at a salon? My God, it was three dates, Emily! That doesn’t warrant break-up bangs…
You’ve bought a hat. Cool, we get that it’s a necessity until the bangs grow out, but did it have to be cashmere? Have a day off.
Bed, Bath & Beyond a joke, Emily! You’ve just spent $137 at a store that, as far as we’re aware, ceases to exist.
$18 at The Avocado Cafe? Correct all along, the Boomers were.
Mon 30 Oct, 9:35 AM
How are you in the Turks and Caicos?! We’re calling your Mom, Emily Ann Miller!