Dracula or Amazon?
- Started out in books, but has since crossed over into pretty much everything.
- Is headquartered in a giant, guarded building that even protestors with pitchforks can’t break into.
- Has made a killing off some very unethical, bloodsucking work practices.
- Exhibits obsessive, stalkerish behavior and is pretty much inescapable once you become a target.
- Knows everything about you—your deepest desires, the inner workings of your soul, and how many toilet paper rolls you bought online during the Great Toilet Paper Panic of 2020.
- Raves about things you absolutely don’t need in your life, like mist makers, blood vials, and very dramatic capes.
- Wants you to join a loyalty program in return for some out-of-this-world, life-changing benefits.
- Can easily put you in a trance.
- Executes with remarkable speed.
- Thrives after draining you out.
- Works overnight.
- Travels by both ground and air.
- Is a huge hit on Halloween.
- Kills it in the breakfast cereal business.
- Ravages the planet in pursuit of fulfillment.