Be Careful! Can’t Run Before You Walk. Can’t Walk Before You Crawl. Can’t Crawl Before You Roll. Can’t Roll Before You Slide.

Woah, woah. Careful now. Can’t run before you walk. And you can’t walk before you crawl. And you can’t crawl before you roll. And you can’t roll before you slide. And you can’t slide before you contemplate sliding. And you can’t contemplate sliding before you contemplate not sliding. And you can’t contemplate either before you contemplate contemplation. And you can’t contemplate contemplation before you consider consideration and deliberate on deliberation and ruminate on rumination. It’s careless. And I can’t let that slide.

Woah, woah, woah! Like I just finished saying, be careful! You can’t respond before you take it all in, the wisdom I’ve imparted. And you can’t take it all in before you let the dust settle. And you can’t let the dust settle before you’ve memorized and recited the whole thing back in your head perfectly without missing a single word ten times in a row. And you can’t do that before doing some other very specific things. And you can’t know what I mean by “other very specific things” before you ask me what those “other very specific things” might be. And you can’t ask anything before you’ve asked to ask anything. It’s asking a lot. And it’s asking too little of yourself.

Woah, woah, woah, woah! Careful with that thing! You can’t pull out a gun and point it at my head before you’ve narrowed down all other avenues of interaction first. And you can’t narrow down all other avenues of interaction before you’ve broadened your search for all possible interactions to match the situation at hand. And you can’t match the situation at hand before you’ve safely unloaded and discarded your weapon. And you can’t unload and discard your weapon before you’ve understood that “unloading” doesn’t mean shooting me with every bullet and “discarding” doesn’t mean hiding the evidence afterward. It’s acting without thinking. It’s thinking without thinking about thinking. It’s… a loaded gun pointed at my head—the place where I do my own thinking.

Woah, woah, WOAH, woah, woah! You can’t put the gun to your own head before understanding that violence is never the answer. And you can’t see that violence is never the answer until you’ve considered all other answers. And you can’t consider all other answers until you’ve grown very old trying them all out, one after the other. And you can’t grow very old until you’ve put the gun down and avoided signs of trouble at all costs. You’re needed in the workforce. Your life insurance policy is not that big. You’re… the love of my life!

Yes. It’s true. So what do you say? Do you love me too– WAIT!

Be careful now. Can’t answer that question before I’m ready to hear your answer to that question. And I can’t hear your answer before I’ve removed my fingers from my ears. And I can’t remove my fingers from my ears before consulting with several trusted psychics who can assure me that everything will go according to plan. And I can’t consult with several trusted psychics until I’ve phoned them each individually and coordinated a time and place where they all can meet which, by the way, you think would be easy for psychics to do, right? Since having insight on the world around them is kinda their whole thing? I thought so but, hey, I’m no psychic.

Yes, it’s pretty difficult to get a group of psychics to agree on a time and place to meet up. Some of them have strict diets so that puts most casual restaurants out of the question. Some can’t drive. One that can drive just had a knee operation. Her name is Esmerelda, she’ll be 71 in May. Very interesting people. You’d be surprised, there’s a lot of in-fighting in the psychic community. The knee injury was from a fight, actually. She knew it was coming but fought anyway, you know, to stand up her principles. It was over a lunch date. Like I said, interesting people.

No! This is the old way of overthinking! The new way is immediate action! Doing first and answering questions with police later. Not stalling. Not thinking about the knees I may or may not break in the process. Not talking endlessly on one subject until I’ve stretched to its absolute maximum and then traveling further past that and then even further past that.

Yes! And that’s how far I wish to travel with you, my love, should you accept. I’ll cover the flights and we’ll travel the world, past all known landmarks and crosswalks and continents and every known thing and unknown thing until we know things not by how we feel but how they feel. I’ll cover the rental cars too. 50/50 on meals seems fair. Okay, I’ll pick up meals too. Right now it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, in fact, because all I want to know is how my indefinite valentine feels. My one in ten thousand. My beautiful clover. Do you love me? Or do you love me not?

You love me… not?

Well go to hell then, I don’t need you anyway. What I said, I was kidding. Jackass.