An Important Announcement from the Makers of the Big Burlap Sack with a Dollar Sign On It

Dear Valued Customer,

It is hard to believe that it has been over 40 years since we first opened the doors of Kenneth & Sons Sacks (formerly Goldman’s). These days, it’s becoming harder and harder for mom and pop shops like us to exist, so it means a lot that you continue to shop with us anytime you need a big burlap sack with a dollar sign on the side.

My father, Kenneth Goldman, started this business after he broke into a bank, lit the fuse on a perfectly spherical bomb, blasted a hole in the side of the vault, then looked down at two identical, unmarked burlap sacks. Not knowing the contents of the unmarked sacks, he unwittingly grabbed a sack of sweaters he’d brought with him to donate while he was out running errands and left the bag of money behind.

As soon as he got out of jail, he started Kenneth & Sons with three goals. 1) Make a quality burlap sack that can hold a lot of money and withstand being tossed into the backseat of a getaway car. 2) Clearly mark the bags with a dollar sign so that you don’t forget what is inside the bag. And 3) sell the bags at a reasonable price.

We take pride in our product. We know that there is no better feeling than tossing a big burlap sack over your shoulder after a big heist and peeling away in a getaway car or riding off into the sunset on your horse. Our customers appreciate seeing that nearly overflowing sack with a big dollar sign on the side and knowing, without a doubt, that they’ve got a bag full of ill-gotten money.

You have trusted us with your business. We would never betray that trust by giving customer data to police, superheroes, or a white-cowboy-hat-wearing vigilante who operates outside the law because the sheriff is either too corrupt or drunk to fulfill his duties.

We would also never risk losing your trust by offering a product we don’t believe in. For years, we’ve only offered one product: a big burlap sack with a dollar sign on the side. (We have made a few big burlap sacks with pictures of burlap sacks on the side, but we only use those for transporting the sacks to and from the warehouse.)

We’ve had opportunities to expand our product line before. We were offered the chance to be the officially-licensed provider of striped shirts, black pants, and those stick-on raccoon masks. We were approached about selling grooming kits for thin, twirly mustaches. And we had several meetings about branded rope specially designed to tie a damsel to the railroad tracks in hopes of getting the deed to her family’s ranch. But none of those seemed quite right. We would never offer a product we don’t fully believe in, so we have limited our offering to just the single product.

That is, until today.

Introducing: the big burlap sack with a crossed-out dollar sign on the side.

Don’t worry! We will still sell our classic burlap sacks with the dollar sign on the side. But, imagine the freedom of walking out of a bank with a bag full of fresh cash, the alarm ringing, sirens growing louder as they approach. You see the red and blue lights flashing as a cop car screeches onto two wheels as it speeds around a corner and then… passes right by you, the officers inside paying you no mind. Because you’re carrying all that stolen cash in a comically large burlap sack that very clearly indicates it is NOT filled with dollars; the cops are only focused on catching the person who DOES have a sack of dollars. (For this to work, you’re also going to want to have already removed your raccoon mask and returned to walking normally instead of the hunched over, bouncing, tiptoe thing).

Starting today, both the Dollar Sign and Crossed-Out Dollar Sign burlap sacks are available at our storefront on Main Street. Please note, we only accept cards or Apple Pay as we keep no cash on the premises.

Kenneth “Sacks” Goldman Jr.