Alternatives to Daylight Saving Time

Daylight saving time: Clocks are set forward one hour in spring, and back one hour in autumn, to make better use of daylight.

Waistline saving weight: Scales are set backwards ten pounds on Thanksgiving to make room for dessert.

Embarrassment saving height: Height charts are added five inches when obtaining your driver’s license to avoid lying about how tall you are.

Awkwardness saving temperature: Thermometers are set to 60ºF whenever you have the T-shirt you slept in underneath your sweater and don’t want to take it off at the office.

Privacy saving loudness: Decibels are reduced 50% every time you want to tell a secret and the room suddenly goes quiet.

Deadline saving time zones: Calendar dates are pushed forward 48 hours when a project is due tomorrow and you haven’t started yet.

Dignity saving bounce: Gravity is reduced 20% whenever you’re dragged to a trampoline park against your will.

Sobriety saving drinks: Alcohol content is retroactively reduced 40% when recounting last night’s events to your mother.

Global saving altimeter: Sky levels are raised to compensate for rising sea levels and preserve beachfront property values.

Schedule saving lunar cycle: Full moons are extended five days to allow werewolves to attend destination weddings.